8/1/22 - iRetire4Him Show 67: Loneliness in Retirement, Part 2

Intro: While retirement is generally seen as a time of relaxation and self focus. God calls us to love, serve and help others for a lifetime. He has been preparing us for this retirement season, literally our entire lives. In retirement, countless Christians enter a state of spiritual dormancy, not knowing how they are called to have an impact for God's kingdom.

The Retirement Reformation seeks to encourage and empower the 50 million Christians approaching or in retirement to embrace the calling. God has been preparing in them when the world says it's time to stop, you can begin to have your greatest impact. Welcome to iRetire4Him. The mouthpiece of the Retirement Reformation, where our goal is to journey from retirement to reformation so you can say, iRetire4Him!

Jim: Reaching out to the 50 million Christ followers in America who are approaching or already in retirement. You've tuned into, iRetire4Him. The mouthpiece for the Retirement Reformation. I'm your host, Jim Brangenberg along with the founder of the Retirement Reformation, Bruce Bruinsma. Please check us out online: retirementreformation.org, retiremen,reformation.org.

Nobody wants to feel lonely during their retirement. So it's important to recognize your feelings. It takes steps to increase your quality of life. Wherever you can incorporating new habits, a deeper spiritual walk resulting in a fresh outlook on all of that will help you feel less isolated and alone.

After you leave the workforce, your retirement years can be the best years of your life, but you gotta keep your eyes on the Lord. Be honest with yourself when you're struggling with loneliness, maintain a positive mindset and embrace this new era of life with all of its uncertainties. It's a gift of time that's yours to treasure should you choose to do so. Today we embark on part two of a three part series entitled loneliness in retirement. Today we're gonna focus on solutions for overcoming loneliness in retirement and all out, avoiding it entirely. It's gonna be a fantastic series. Already started a couple weeks ago. Bruce Bruinsma, welcome back to iRetire4Him,

Bruce: Jim I've really loved our conversation a couple weeks ago, and this will build on that. And then one next week we'll build on that because it is such a, you know, loneliness is such a critical issue. As a matter of fact, most of the research shows that, that the issues in aging in that whole 30 year period, whether you're moving into the first stage second stage third stage, that loneliness is the heart of a problem that has rabbit trails has, has tentacles that extend everywhere so we are, we are talking about a heart issue. That is a key issue that needs to be understood and addressed in order to be able to live that life of meaning and purpose that we all want. And to fill that hole, that vacant hole that's in the middle of us.

Jim: Well, that vacant hole can only be filled by one thing. And that's Jesus. And most of the people listening to today's show are already have Jesus, but it doesn't mean that they're totally healed and totally living in freedom. And this loneliness can be one of those things that the enemy can use to put, just put a damper on all of life. Why don't we just go back and just summarize quickly, Bruce, what we talked about on our podcast a couple weeks ago about loneliness and retirement and, and what are some of the signs and, and, and then we're gonna focus the rest of the show on talking about solutions to loneliness?

Bruce: I think first of all, it's important to understand that loneliness while it can, it has physical manifestations. The key part to loneliness, the most important thing to understand is that loneliness is a state of mind and it it's linked to wanting human contact, but feeling alone and being either unable or unwilling to take a step out of the loneliness trap and into the relationship and into relationships.

So, you know, people can be in the midst of a crowd and be alone. They can have contact with people and still experienced loneliness. There's there's just a whole series of things that we'll talk about that we can do to overcome it, but just realize that it is a state of mind, therefore, at some level, there is a choice involved.

Jim: So let's talk about that. You know, as we focus on solutions to loneliness, what are your friends saying to you about how they overcame loneliness in retirement? I think you've got, you've got stories up your sleeves all the time. Tell us one of those stories.

Bruce: I was talking with woman actually earlier this morning and she is 80. 10 years ago, 10, 11, 12 years ago, she and her husband moved from where they had lived all their lives and where their kids were to a nice town where they thought they wanted to be. He died two years later. So she has been a widow in a new town for now 10 years. As we were chatting this morning, I said to her, so what was the most difficult part of that? And what advice would you give someone who was making that transition? And it was fascinating what she said.

She said, you know, Bruce, I, I don't regret the decision that we made to move, but I didn't understand what we were leaving behind and how difficult it was going to be. Particularly as a widow. When my husband was here we had, we had a, a, a, some places of connecting. When he died, they tended to disappear. And so I have had to work really, really, really hard to be able to find those relationships in this new area. I said, so have you been successful? And I think her honest answer was partially, and I said, well, what do you do when, when you're feeling alone?

She says, oh, I just have the most direct conversations with God. You can imagine. I just tell him, we gotta do some stuff today. Cuz I'm not feeling good. And I, well I said, well, how does he answer? She goes, he always gets me going. And then sometimes I don't like what we're doing. And so I just talked to him and he talks to me.

And, and that's for me, that was her answer to loneliness. I said, so how often do you have these conversations? Oh yeah. Once a day. Sometimes every other day she said. How long do they go on? She says, oh yeah, we do it most of the morning. And so, you know, on the one hand you chuckle and you go, oh my goodness. On the other hand, you go she has taken an action, made a decision to find a friend in Jesus and to be her friend in her way. And I, I just thought that was, that was encouraging. I thought it was very healthy and it may not be the way that you would express your relationship that way we go, oh, the other thing she said, she said, did you know, what's my lifeline?

I said, what's that? She says my telephone. She said because all my friends that I have not here, I can still stay in touch with them. I said, well, does it ever bother them that you're calling them a lot? She says, no, no, I'm sensitive to that. I, I get it. I understand. But she said for me to be able to pick with the phone and call Sally for a 20 minute conversation helps.

I said, so the key is the decisions that you are making in order to deal with what otherwise, what might be a very lonely situation. She said you're exactly right. You gotta decide to take some action. Some of them may be a little unusual, but they work for her in this case.

Jim: Did she share with you why she didn't just choose to move back near her kids?

Bruce: I asked her that. I said, well, why don't you know, why don't you move back by [her children's names]? She said, you know, the sense is we have a good relationship, but that it would've been too close and I would've been too needy and, and they don't need me to be needy in their life. I, I want to support them.

So if you know, they need me to come over and, you know, go back to the town and take care of their kids while they gotta be gone or something. I'm happy to do any of that, but I, I also didn't wanna be a burden on them. Well, her health is starting to go down. So it'd be interesting to see how that plays out in the next stages of life, because this loneliness had different dimensions, whether you're 60 and they're quite different than when you're 75. And then they're quite different again, when you're 85,

Jim: I just, I, I love the fact that she was honest with you. She just shared yeah from her heart what was really going on. And that's pretty powerful.

Bruce: That is very powerful. Yeah.

Jim: Do you find that most of your retired friends are really in touch with their emotions and are making decisions based on dealing with those emotions or, I mean, do you, how do you, how do you find your friends dealing with those emotions?

Bruce: I think ignore and anger, I think are way too common. Mm. They either don't want to admit that there's an issue. And so they cover it up and, and there may be drinking or other kinds of ways that they're dealing with their, with, with that loneliness or anger about it. And they take that anger out on sometimes on their kids, on their friends, on whatever. It is, their fault that I feel the way I do.

And so it's, that is so hard. And, and as those of us that have found ways to be able to deal with those changing relationships, be able to find ways to love and support them is part of our responsibility, but they have a role in it also. Although often it's much easier to point fingers than it is to take responsibility.

Jim: Yeah. Yes it is. But when we point a finger, there's three pointing back at us. You're listening to, iRetire4Him. As we talk about solutions to loneliness and retirement, we'll be right back with more conversation with Bruce after we hear from a very fantastic guest here in our second segment. We'll be right back.

Break: Membership has its privileges and with the Retirement Reformation, it's true. We have three levels of membership to access our growing wealth of resources. We also provide discipleship and training to bring the Retirement Reformation alive in your life. So join us, go to retirementreformation.org and click on the membership tab.

Choose the level of membership that will help you rethink retool, reframe and reform your retirement today. The basic level is free, so you can get started today. Take the journey from retirement to reformation. So you can say iRetire4Him. Retirementreformation.org. Let's get back to more iRetire4Him.

Jim: Hey, welcome back to, iRetire4Him, the mouthpiece for the Retirement Reformation. Bruce, every second segment of every show, we always bring on a special guest to share their story. Who do you have for us today?

Bruce: Well, Jim, we've got a special guest from, on the other side of the ocean, that would be the Atlantic ocean to the country of, of my heritage. And I like to introduce our, our listenership to Saskia Van Helden. Saskia welcome. We're so glad that you're with us today.

Saskia Van Helden: Thank you, Bruce. It's my privilege. I'm looking forward.

Bruce: You know, God has ways of, of bringing different people together in order to carry out plans that he has for us. And it's always fascinating to our audience to be able to understand the journeys that others have been on.

And so you've been on a journey for just a number of years. And so give us just a little bit of your background and, and so that will position us to understand a little bit more about in, in another segment, we'll talk about your ministry in some detail. But now tell us a little bit about Saskia and how God has worked in your life.

Saskia Van Helden: Okay. Thank you. I will, as Jim told I'm born in the Netherlands in a Christian family and I'm the second daughter in my family. And my parents they were used to start praying at the moment my mom was knowing that she was pregnant. So it was very early for me to have a praying mom. And I think that's been a blessing for me in my whole life and when I was born and they discovered it was a, a daughter.

Again, they give me a second name. The first name is de Deudata. That means - it's a Latin name - it means gift from God and for my parents, their baby, their newborn baby was a gift from God. But in my life, I've changed that interpretation a bit. Like my life is a gift from God and that's like a motto in my life that I know that God is with me. And that I have lived love, with a praying mom and a praying dad.

Bruce: Oh, and what, and where, where were, where in the Netherlands were you born and were you raised?

Saskia Van Helden: I'm raised in Zwolle. It's a bit in the middle of the country. And sometimes people call it like a more, a Christian city, the most Christian city of the Netherlands, because we have many churches in our city. And we have Christian education centers. So I hope that some of the love of God through the Christians in our city is visible in our city, in social welfare, in economic welfare.

Bruce: And so continue on with a bit of your life story. Where did you go to school and what were some of the key things? Maybe the two or three things that really influenced you in the direction of your life, knowing that God has a plan for you?

Saskia Van Helden: I think at the age of 12, I read a book from a woman named Betty Smith. She, as a young girl she went to Brazil. And to bring the gospel to the Indian people. And I was very much impressed by her story, by her adventure, by her courage to go into the rain forest and leave everything behind that was about wellbeing.

So Betty Smith was about kind of role model for me. And I still have her book here. I like to read it. And the second part is that in our church, we had quite some programs about prayer education and Bible education. And not only for children within our church, but also within the city like Bible schools, holiday Bible schools, probably, you know, them.

And as a young teenager, I was involved. I, I raised like a natural way of doing that and joining it. So I think that's very well, that, that was part of my education. And later on, as a student we went to campsite to bring the gospel. So yeah, I was used to, to, to be involved in evangelism.

Bruce: For our, for our audience to know: the Netherlands was one of the key countries in the, in the reformation, in that Christian religion was critical to the development of the country. But over the years it has reversed. And so as of a few years ago, the number of, of admitted Christians in the country was, was under 5%. And so the town Zwolle and the ministries that have come out of that are bright shining lights in, in a very dark world. What is God saying to you about the the growth of Christianity and those that will follow Christ in your country?

Saskia Van Helden: You mean after the century ahead? Like the modern devotion?

Bruce: Yeah. What? Yeah, what's coming ahead?

Saskia Van Helden: Sorry. Bruce. You have to ask the question again. I do not understand quite all of that.

Bruce: I can do that. How do you see God working in the Netherlands to be able to change the culture from now? It is very, un-Christian having once been Christian and now to be able to draw it back closer to Jesus?

Saskia Van Helden: Well, there are some developments there that will influence our developments. I think the final development, the lockdown because of covid has opened our eyes about what faith and being a Christian really means - if it's just a way of being a cultural Christian and having a tradition of going to church or whatever, or is it something of your heart and being a follower of Jesus Christ.

I think we get kind of separation after, go about who really wants to continue as a church member as a follower of Jesus or who has made other plans and other decisions on not only on Sunday, but also during the week. That's one development, another strong development in our country. And especially my husband is involved is that we have many migrants coming.

From Asia coming, africa. And they are faithful Christians, so we can learn from their way of their belief, their worship to God, their community their intercultural meetings on Sunday. So I think for the coming decade in the Netherlands, we should have an eye, not only for the traditional reformed churches and Christians, but also for the migrants that are coming to our country.

Bruce: Yeah. What a, what a wonderful attitude that is. And my prayer would be that that attitude would also be reflected here in the United States, towards the immigrants that come to our country. I think we can learn a lot from you. One last question. What do you see in the next five years of, of your, you know, of your Christian walk? How is God leading you? And we'll, we'll talk about your ministry in a second session, but how is God leading your walk in as you, as you think about the next five years?

Saskia Van Helden: Well, I, I feel blessed during my whole life with a good health and a loving, full family. So God has given me the ability to, to invest in our ministry of Wake Up Deborah, and I'm looking forward and I feel of urgent that much more people worldwide are starting to pray for the next generation. And I'm not having an agenda or a plan of a strategy, but I have a calling to start with sharing the ministry and inspiring people and equip them with how to start with it.

Bruce: Well, we're very encouraged. In, in our next segment we will we will talk about the details of that. I think you're an inspiration to a lot of people. I know that you had a gathering of, of 5, 6, 700 Ukrainian refugees in your town here a couple of weeks ago. And and so you, and, and those that are, that you're associated with are really reaching out in some very, very special ways. And we thank you for that. So with that, we will hear more from you. And by the way, thank you for the life that God has given you and the direction that he has and, and the leadership skills that he's blessed you with. Jim you got any other questions?

Jim: No, it's just, it's fascinating to hear how God is moving in the Netherlands, Saskia. I appreciate you sharing that. We have on another podcast, we'd interviewed an evangelist from the Netherlands and talked about some incredible things that God is doing. And it's, it's great to know that God is alive and well on the European continent. But Saskia, thanks for being with us on iRetire4Him. We'll be right back with more in segment three.

Break: Every iRetire4Him show goes so quickly. We don't often get to remind you that there are two resources you should be checking out right now. I recommend that you get a copy of the Retirement Reformation book and the, iRetire4Him book. Retirement Reformation focuses on the mindset and behavioral changes needed, let's just say paradigm shifting that is needed to live out your faith in retirement. iRetire4Him is focused on many of the ways you could put your faith into action by investing your life into others in your retirement years. Get both at the retirement reformation website in the bookstore retirementreformation.org. That's retirement, reformation.org.

Jim: Hey, welcome back to iRetire4Him the mouthpiece for the Retirement Reformation. Online RetirementReformation.org. We're talking about solutions to loneliness and retirement, and please pay close attention, cuz we're gonna really give you some great ideas here in this last segment of our podcast today, Bruce, what's a great scripture we could start off on in this third segment of our podcast, when we're film lonely, what's a great scripture to go to?

Bruce: You can go to any number of the Psalms. And in fact, David felt that great loneliness. And so the, the Psalms or the parts of the Psalms. Go to the part of Psalm 119, where, you know, this is the day that the Lord has made. Let us rejoice. To always be reminded that there is an opportunity to rejoice in our relationship and what he's called us to do. So the Psalms the, the, the basics.

There are some there are some, you know, wonderful songs that come from our childhood, perhaps that can give us encouragement. And then to, to know, because what is it that sets us free? What is it that sets us free from lots of things, but what is that sets us free from loneliness?

The truth sets us free. Mm-hmm . And so when we know that truth and we go to John 15:16, as we do in the Retirement Reformation often, where just in - and before we get to that 16th verse, just prior to that, where, where Jesus says I call you friend. You are no longer a servant because you know my father's business. I am doing my father's business and you know that. That that's an activity and I call you friend. So when you have a friend, you can't be very lonely. So you gotta make sure you got that friend. Well, then what does that friend say?

He says, love your neighbor. Whoa. If I'm lonely and I step outside to love my neighbor, that loneliness will start to disappear. And then he says, guess what? I chose you. Oh my goodness. Somebody cared enough. Do you remember the old game? Red Rover red Rover, like yeah. Somebody come over, remember that? Dumb game, but at any rate...

Jim: broken arms, broken necks.

Bruce: Absolutely. But the way that, that was usually set up was that, you know, you were, you were, you had two captains and they chose teams. And so I, if you remember the feeling when you were chosen, oh my goodness. He cares. He thinks I'm important or big or faster. Well here, Jesus is saying, I chose you. I didn't just pull a number out of a hat.

I actually chose you. And then I prepared you. Oh my goodness. I'm prepared for something. Oh dear. And what's the result of that preparation? Oh my goodness. It's bearing fruit. Fruit that will last, so, wow. I'm chosen. I'm prepared. There is fruit for me to bear that is already outlined. I'm unique and special. When those thoughts are the ones that, that capture your attention.

Oh. And then he says at the end of that, oh, and by the way, do not forget to love your neighbor. And so when your focus is on those things, it is outside of you and that loneliness then is diminished and can wash away.

Jim: What a great example. And there's so many great examples of our biblical patriarchs who were struggling with loneliness. Imagine how lonely Noah felt for a hundred, hundred years building the boat in the middle of a desert.

Bruce: Yeah. And he didn't have a swimming suit.

Jim: Yeah, no. I mean, and, and Paul in prison and honestly, Jesus on mission where nobody really understood what he was trying to do. I mean, just so many examples. Moses 40 years in the desert. So, but, but examples of people who just learned to grow close to God. You know, Bruce, we talked in the last podcast about how loneliness can lead to medical issues, but dealing with our medical issues can eliminate loneliness. As we take care of some of the things that slow us down and kee us from being with other people.

And some of us also who have retired from work, going back to work and eliminate loneliness as we go back. Maybe it's not to go do the same thing you did before. Maybe it's not cuz you need a paycheck. Maybe it's cuz you just wanna make some friends or pour into other people. But going back to work can eliminate some of that loneliness.

It's really important that, you know, when you're feeling lonely, often it leads to depression. The greatest way - and you've already stated this - the greatest way to get rid of depression in your life is go serve somebody else. And Bruce that's where I want us to end our podcast today. Talking about Retirement Reformation small groups. Talk to us about that.

The listeners on to our podcast today can start a small group focused on Retirement Reformation, right there in their church.

Bruce: In any church, regardless of size. There will be three to 10 couples that when they hear this message in some fashion, whether because they read the book or whatever the reasoning, hear a podcast, tell you what we're talking about, whatever - we say, you know, I do believe that God has something more for me, and I really wanna discover what that is.

And so are ready to be intentional about a process to go through that discovery and to come out the other end and then to be able to go through that discovery process in community. And so the small group allows 3, 4, 5, 6 couples or individuals say up to 10 or 11 meeting together on a regular basis.

With a coach going through the material to answer the question, how has God prepared me? And then to be able to connect that with the needs of our community needs of our families, needs of our church. And to be able to step into that, into finish a process with a plan in place. One of the things Jim that I've realized is that, you know, when, when people are asked, what are they gonna do in retirement?

And they come up with nothing. Nothing doesn't require a plan. Therefore they have no plan in place. But in fact, when you do have a plan you gotta track to run on. It'd be kinda like, you know, when I was in Europe a couple of weeks ago and used Waze as a director, it was fantastic. I was going through the town of bruise, these little streets and back alleys.

And so on. It was telling me turn right, turn left, do that. I was just so relieved that I had a, a support system that could guide me to where I needed to go in in times where I would've been just totally confused. Same issue here, and to be able to do that in community I think the, the shackles that, that will release the freedom that that will bring and the expectant joy of what is next for me will just be, you know, just, just be tremendous. That's the, that's the heart of the, of the small group of recreating retirement and it's about 10, 11 week study. And it takes some serious work, but wow. The result is fantastic.

Jim: Retirementreformation.org, go to resources, check out books. There's so many different things that you can get out there and sign the manifesto, make the commitment to turning your retirement right side up. Bruce Bruinsma with a great conversation today on the solutions for loneliness in our retirement. And next time we get together, we're gonna talk about loneliness versus solitude. Thank you, Bruce.

Bruce: Thanks, Jim. I'm glad we're together.

Jim: Yeah, I'm glad we're together as well.

You've been listening to iRetire4Him the mouthpiece of the Retirement Reformation, with your host, Jim Brangenberg and Retirement Reformation founder. Bruce Bruinsma. We're Christ followers, journeying from retirement to reformation. So we can ultimately say iRetire4Him!

Outro: Thanks for listening to iRetire4Him with your host, Jim and Martha Brangenberg and Retirement Reformation, founder, Bruce Bruinsma. iRetire4Him is the mouthpiece of the Retirement Reformation. Most Christians tend to follow the world's pattern of rest and self pampering during retirement.

However, in your retirement, you can be focused on God's unique call to love, serve and help others. This can be your best season of life. If you take advantage of a life's worth of knowledge and experience and combine it with a greater freedom of time and money. And invested all in the generations, both preceding and following you.

The Retirement Reformation is encouraging Christians to find and follow God's call in all seasons and aspects of life, especially in retirement. Take time to sign the manifesto at retirementreformation.org. And explore the wealth of resources available on our site. Join this movement of God and journey from retirement to reformation.

So you can say, iRetire4Him. Go to retirementreformation.org.