7/18/22 - iRetire4Him Show 66: Loneliness in Retirement, Part 1

Intro: While retirement is generally seen as a time of relaxation and self focus. God calls us to love, serve and help others for a lifetime. He has been preparing us for this retirement season, literally our entire lives. In retirement, countless Christians enter a state of spiritual dormancy, not knowing how they are called to have an impact for God's kingdom.

The Retirement Reformation seeks to encourage and empower the 50 million Christians approaching or in retirement to embrace the calling. God has been preparing in them when the world says it's time to stop, you can begin to have your greatest impact. Welcome to iRetire4Him. The mouthpiece of the Retirement Reformation, where our goal is to journey from retirement to reformation so you can say, iRetire4Him!

Jim: Reaching out to the 50 million Christ followers in America who are approaching or already in retirement. You've tuned into, iRetire4Him the mouthpiece of the Retirement Reformation. I'm your host, Jim Brangenberg. Of course I'm joined by the founder of the Retirement Reformation, Bruce Bruinsma.

Please check us out online retirementreformation.org, retiremen,reformation.org. In the United States people retire between 60 and 70 for the most. Regardless of when you will retire, ending your working life will change things often for the better, but sometimes in unexpected and even tricky ways.

Retirement may feel like a two ton weight that has been lifted from your shoulders if your former job was physically demanding, unfulfilling or left, you feeling burned out. But if you loved your work and found it truly gratifying or built your entire social life around your career, retirement could present a series of complex challenges.

Nobody wants to feel lonely during the retirement. So it's important to recognize your feelings and take steps to increase your quality of life wherever you can. Incorporating new habits, a deeper spiritual walk resulting in a fresh outlook will help you feel less isolated and alone. After you leave the workforce, your retirement years can be the best years of your life if you keep your eyes on the Lord, be honest with yourself, maintain a positive mindset and embrace this new era of your. It's a gift of time. That's yours to treasure.

Today we embark on a three part series entitled loneliness in retirement. Today we'll focus on the reality of loneliness and how to recognize it. The next podcast, we'll talk about how to overcome loneliness and our final episode of this series we'll look at the difference between loneliness and solitude and the value of solitude for, for the everyday retired believer. It's gonna be a fantastic series. Bruce Bruinsma, welcome back to iRetire4Him.

Bruce: Now, Jim, it's always good to be with you and the community of listeners that we have, cuz we are never lonely now.

Jim: No, absolutely not. Bruce. We're talking about loneliness in retirement. Do you see a lot of your friends struggling with this?

Bruce: I do. And it's, it's a, it's an interesting phenomena because as humans, we are so good at masking our emotions and masking issues that are going along. And, you know, you go to church, how you doing? Oh, great. How you doing? Great. How you doing? You may not be doing great at all. And so we mask what our true feelings or circumstances are, and then there's this issue of loneliness. And there's, it's inter it's really interesting at the, I see almost an element of guilt and the element of guilt we see when, when a spouse dies and we, we need to talk about that event and how that all works together, but a, a spouse passes away. And so we see in single people in, in singles an element of loneliness that they don't want to recognize yet it, it totally impacts them.

The other just obvious point is the older we get, the smaller our world gets, unless we intentionally expand it, cuz people are dying on us.

Jim: Is that what you mean? The world gets smaller because people are dying on us. Is that what you mean?

Bruce: Yeah, exactly. And so they're dying on us. And so our, our network of friends continues to get smaller unless we are intentional about expanding it. And as it gets smaller, that loneliness, which is really, and we'll talk about that more, but it's, it's more of a, a feeling and an attitude than it is a, a functional reality.

Jim: Well, why don't we take some time to just define loneliness?

Bruce: You know, that common definition of loneliness would gently be the physical state of being alone. And yes, that is part of it. However, I will tell you that. And we'll talk about that in our third segment, some, but, you know, I have been physically alone and yet my time with God, I, I just felt so rich. I never felt alone. So it's, it's a feeling and an attitude more than it is a physical reality. Now that physical reality clearly plays a role in it, but loneliness is actually a state of mind.

Jim: And it impacts so many. You know, I've lived in Florida now, 20 plus years. And I see so many retirees, whether they're believers or not struggling with loneliness, the, the, the, a deep desire for belonging and just, just struggling with life. They just feel so alone. And it does get exacerbated when their friends go before them, pass on before them. What are some of the things that loneliness - that may arise out of loneliness in our lives?

Bruce: Have that feeling of being alone. The World is shrinking. It feels like the room is smaller and I can't find any way out. It's a focus on me. And the, and I think the very human reaction to loneliness is frustration. Some fear depression, because when we have that attitude or that feeling of being alone, there is nothing to look forward to. It is all left with your thoughts of history, the, perhaps the pain of the past, the pain of the loss of a loved one.

And so we wallow into that framework and we don't have an opportunity to see what God has planned for us yet. And so we are really, really, really alone.

Jim: Well, and I think some of the other things, Bruce really attribute to it. I mean, it's. You know, you're leaving your work that you've known for however many years you've been working. And probably since you're a teenager. It's all of a sudden, your days, you've got a lot more time on your hands and you're not hanging around people all day long. And that makes such a big difference in people's lives and this creating a new routine and finding a way to interact with people. I mean, there's, there's just, it's a, that's a deal, when people have to change so much, there's so much going on around them.

Bruce: I think there's another piece to that. And you're exactly right. But another piece to that is, is the expectations that we have. So for example, if you know, if I moved to Missouri where you were, and I bought a house in the town where you are, and my expectation was that you and I were gonna go out for breakfast and we were gonna see each other every day and we were gonna go to church together and so on.

And then I found out that actually you have another life. And in fact, I've gotta try and make my own. And so that the expectations with grandchildren, expectations with kids, expectations at church, expectations of what, how other people are gonna fill that lonesome hole in us. And then the disappointment comes because they've got lives that they're leading, and that then puts us into another realization. And that loneliness only, you know, is it right to say that loneliness can expand?

Jim: Oh, I think so.

Bruce: Yeah. I think so, too.

Jim: You made some great points. Do you think loneliness is a sign of a lack of faith?

Bruce: There's certainly that component in it. I was, I was doing a doing a devotion this morning for a group and I was reminding them in John 15 where Jesus says you are not my servant. Now I call you friend. And so when we have the omnipresence of God available to us as a friend, then in fact, there is an avenue where that physical loneliness can be absorbed into that relationship with Jesus. So if we don't have that relationship, if we don't realize that that is a, a way that we can be with someone who loves us and we can love in return and can guide us. That's I guess that would be a good definition of a lack of faith. Certainly a lack of, of relationship with Jesus.

Jim: Well, and I think it's really important to recognize that sometimes you need people around you just to help keep you help keep your proper perspective, because it may not be a lack of it because sometimes it's an overwhelming feeling.

And of course the enemy wants us to be discouraged. We're gonna talk more about this in our third segment and the next segment, of course, we always bring out a special guest and Bruce will introduce that guest right after the break. You're listening to iRetire4Him. We'll be right back.

Break: Membership has its privileges. And with the Retirement Reformation, it's true. We have three levels of membership to access our growing wealth of resources. We also provide discipleship and training to bring the Retirement Reformation alive in your life. So join us, go to retirement, reformation.org and click on the membership tab.

Choose the level of membership that will help you rethink retool, reframe and reform your retirement today. The basic level is free. So you can get started today. Take the journey from retirement to reformation. So you can say, iRetire4Him. Retirementreformation.org. Let's get back to more iRetire4Him.

Jim: Hey, welcome back to iRetire4Him. As we do every second segment of the show, we always bring in a special guest that's got a story to tell about their retirement journey. Today we have Sue Ruddick. She's a retiree from DaySpring here in Siloam Springs, Arkansas, and we are here with Sue we're in the same studio, looking at each other across the screen. We're super excited to spend some time with Sue. Sue, how long have you been retired from day spring?

Sue Ruddick: I have been retired for 12 years.

Jim: Wow. So you've got a little bit of years under your belt to know what this retirement thing feels like.

Sue Ruddick: Yeah. It's a little bit of history here.

Jim: little bit. So how long did you work at DaySpring?

Sue Ruddick: 20 years.

Jim: 20 years. Mm-hmm yeah. Wow. So, okay, so you go way back. So James Barnett has been here for 41 years. So were you here before he got here?

Sue Ruddick: No.

Jim: No. Okay. All right. No, that's right. The math that wouldn't work right. Sue, most retirees know what they're retiring from, but don't know what they're retiring to. Did you?

Sue Ruddick: No, I did not. And after spending 20 years here all day long, five days a week, and then being away from all of the people that I had been used to being with. There were some adjustments and I did not know that would be coming. You know, I'm leaving, I'm gonna be doing something else. That seemed pretty simple, but it didn't turn out to be so simple.

I learned the hard way. And it was a, a lonely time because all of these people that I had been around for so many years were not there. And so I thought, okay Lord, what is it?What am I gonna do? You know, I just thought, okay, he's gonna immediately let me jump into some ministry thing somewhere and it didn't happen.

But what he began to show me was Sue, you are exhausted, you are tired, and I'm gonna give you some rest. And I thought, I don't know that I want that and, and he just politely said to me, no, you're gonna get it. And so I began just to seek what it was that he was going to do or what he was doing. I was already involved in some ministries at my church, but my heart still yearned for women's ministry in a different way.

And I didn't know what that was going to mean. And so as I walked through this, this began to walk through this post retirement time, I discovered there was a level of loneliness. There was no direction. There was lack of fulfillment. I had my grandchildren and I was active in, in their lives. And, and grandma's house was always a place where they wanted to come, but there was that sense of not doing anything purposely for the kingdom.

Jim: So talk to me about how God has used you in your retirement then. So 12 years as you've explored what God had for you, what has he shown?

Sue Ruddick: Well, during that course of that, that first year I developed a, a friendship with a lady who was a severe diabetic and she was in a wheelchair. So God just put us together. And I began to take her where she needed to go. And I, we would laugh because here I was trying to lift this wheelchair into my my big SUV. And so we developed this wonderful relationship and one day about a year into my, my retirement, she said, I think you need to be teaching women's Bible studies. And I said, okay, whoa, here.

And, and she said, in fact, I'll go with you to talk to the pastor about it. And I thought, well, she's putting me on the spot. So we did, and I talked to the minister of education and he said, I think that's a great idea. So I started teaching women's Bible studies and I taught two a week. I did one on Tuesday morning and one on Tuesday night.

And that began the springboard for me to be involved and start some women's ministries. And so that's what God has done. He's developed that and given me a platform to just speak the truths that God has taught me and shown me in his word to women. And really there are women who have retired and are walking through some of those things that I've already walked through.

Jim: So you're seeing them struggle with some of the same things you struggle with?

Sue Ruddick: Yes, yes.

Jim: Which was namely again, what?

Sue Ruddick: It was the loneliness, the separation from a complete way, a lifestyle, you know, getting up, going to work, having all these wonderful relationships around the word and working in an incredible place, like day spring, and, and then walking the path of waiting.

That's hard for all of us, waiting on God to open up the path he has for you, because it's all about his purpose. It's not about me feeling whatever. It's all about God's purpose and how he's going to use you for the kingdom. And just because I was retired, it didn't mean that God was putting me on a shelf and gonna watch me gather dust till it was my time to enter heaven. He had something for me to do. Despite my age, despite being retired. It didn't mean that I had lost all my faculties and was not gonna be of any benefit to the kingdom. So what was it?

Jim: So talk to me about what you've learned about Sue during these years, because that's, what's what we've seen so much in people who retire is they learn something new about themselves. Because when everything normal, everything they're used to gets pulled away, all of a sudden everything they're comfortable with is gone. They find a new rawness in themselves and they have to kind of not reinvent themselves, but just understand new things about themselves. What did you learn about you?

Sue Ruddick: I learned that I had to wait on God. I mean, I mean, those are things we all know these things, but then we start learning them to a depth that we haven't known them before and waiting on God to bring what he has for you to do and what he's working in me. He was teaching me his truth about who he really was.

We hear statements. God is love. God is just, and those are all true statements. But when you start drilling down into that, how does that play out in your life? And even in leaving day spring, there were levels of issues that I did not even think about, like preparing for retirement. I really didn't have an opportunity to prepare for retirement. I have since learned what people should be doing and there's levels to preparing for retirement.

Jim: Well, and we're gonna pick that up on a future podcast, that whole preparing thing, because I wanted to capture your experience. Talk to me about the, the people involved in your transition. Are you married?

Sue Ruddick: Yes.

Jim: Okay. So you you've got your husband, you've got kids. You've already mentioned grandkids. They were all involved in your transition in your retirement. How did they struggle with your transition in retirement?

Sue Ruddick: Oh, they didn't. Oh, grandma had more time. So one of, one of the things I had taught children and written children's curriculum for several years. And so my passion was to, was to pour into my grandchildren to make sure they knew scripture, that they came to know the Lord as their personal savior. And so I would, every summer I would have grandma camp for a week and, and I would teach vacation Bible school and I would have all eight of them. And we, we played and we, we read, we read scripture, we went to vacation Bible school, and every night we had them bedded downstairs, all eight of them in the floor.

And we had prayer time. So they were learning to pray, however simple their children's prayers were, but they heard each other pray. So it became, first of all, my heart was to, was to pour into them Christ and my husband thought it was great because I was around the house and doing the cooking and he retired a couple years after I did.

Jim: Yeah. That's probably a whole nother show, when your husband retired.

Sue Ruddick: It was.

Jim: There's a book about that one spouse in the house. Okay. When you look at all the skills that you developed over the 20 years here at DaySpring, how have you seen God use those skills, those gifts, talents, and abilities that he refined here at DaySpring? How have you seen God use those in your retirement?

Sue Ruddick: Listening. And working in HR, you need to listen to people. You hear the words, but what are you really hearing from them? So it tempers your quick reaction to some things. You learn that God's got it and I need to back away and let him take it. He can let me be a part of it. And having worked in human resources for those years, you learn so much about human nature, but you just see what God has.

Jim: The good and the bad.

Sue Ruddick: The good and the bad. Yes. But he's a Redeemer, you know, and in working with people who are struggling in, in the workplace, you can, you can in a place like Dayspring, you can share with them scripture, you can pray with them. And over a period of time, you can actually see God redeeming that life and how he's rebuilding it. And so all of those things build into you hope and encouragement and trust in the Lord.

Jim: I love that. That's fantastic. Sue Ruddick thank you so much for joining us on iRetire4Him.

Sue Ruddick: You're welcome.

Jim: I look forward to bringing you back to capture a little bit more of that story. Certainly the prepping conversation as well, and maybe some of that loneliness to a little deeper level. Thanks again for being on iRetire4Him today.

Sue Ruddick: Thank you, Jim.

Jim: We'll be right back with more on iRetire4Him with your host, Jim Brangenberg and of course, the founder of the Retirement Reformation, Bruce Bruinsma.

Every iRetire4Him show goes so quickly. We don't often get to remind you that there are two resources you should be checking out right now. I recommend that you get a copy of the Retirement Reformation book and the, iRetire4Him book. Retirement Reformation focuses on the mindset and behavioral changes needed, let's just say paradigm shifting that is needed to live out your faith in retirement.

iRetire4Him is focused on many of the ways you could put your faith into action by investing your life into others in your retirement years. Get both at the retirement reformation website in the bookstore: retirementreformation.org. That's retirementreformation.org. Hey, welcome back to iRetire4Him, the mouthpiece of the Retirement Reformation.

Please check us out online retirementreformation.org, retiremen,reformation.org, Bruce, we're talking about loneliness today. Have you ever thought about, do you think Jesus experienced loneliness?

Bruce: I think he had a plan, a method, a process to be able to fill that loneliness. And, and I think we'll talk about solitude and again, our third subject, but all the times that he stepped away and it was like, he was overwhelmed by the people and he needed that time alone, but he was never alone because it was during those times that he spoke to his father and he says, you know, only things I ever did is what he told me to do.

And that telling of what to do came in those, those moments of intimacy with the father. And I think intimacy with God is not a time that you will feel alone. It is when we are not intimate. It's like with Judy, you know, and our listeners, when you, when you're at a point and you have a, an emotional separation for, for whatever reason for a day, or for a couple of days, You feel that sense of, of loneliness and wanting to reach out, but being afraid to do it. And so that connectivity, that relationship - without it you are very much then into yourself and loneliness just becomes worse.

Jim: Well, I don't know if you've ever experienced this, but you, you know, you get in big crowds all the time. You speak. And sometimes even in a big crowd, you can be lonely. And Jesus was surrounded by a lot of people, but very few of them actually understood his mission.

So he was alone in his mission. So I imagine cuz he was a hundred percent human, it says he experienced all the same emotions we did. I imagine he did experience loneliness. So Bruce, who do you think... Go ahead.

Bruce: I was just gonna say, you know, one of the things in my conversation with hundreds and hundreds of, of pastors over the years, particularly lead pastors or senior pastors of churches. What I've found is that they often will, will explain how lonely their position is. They may be preaching to 200, 300, 500, a thousand people a week. They may be, you know, out in calls. But there's nobody that they feel that they can, that they can really relate to. And therefore they are loneliness inside the crowd.

Jim: Yeah. It's lonely at the top. We've heard that many times. And, and a lot of the shows that we've done is just that leaders, leaders feel alone because they can't live their life with other people cuz they're leading. Who do you think struggles more with loneliness in retirement, men or women? What do you think?

Bruce: That is a really really good question. I suppose the easy answer is, you know, both the same. But I, I'm not sure that that's true.

Jim: Well let me help you out here. Research indicates that women in retirement struggle with loneliness more than men. Has Judy said anything about that?

Bruce: Only from an interesting perspective is, is she's not lonely because you know, we've got each other and, and you know, the, the relationships that we have. But she has, she has voiced said, you know, if you die before I do, then what am I going to do? And, and, and a loneliness is, is a component of that. There are other components also, but I think honestly, expressing the change in our circumstance and thinking about that is one of the ways to deal with those issues.

And, and we've had any number of conversations about that, where she is in the process of working her own way through should that be the circumstance. And so I think that's very healthy.

Jim: So what do you think some of the signs are of - well, we did some research. What are some of the signs that we found out that are signs of loneliness in women?

Bruce: Well, you've got the issues of, of, you know, that loss of self-confidence because of loss of relationship. You've got that you do have a feeling of, of struggling, of isolation and, and in some ways ineptness because a woman's husband does certain things and when he's not there, that responsibility rests with her. And some women embrace that and, and engage with it. But many had just, oh my gosh, what am I gonna do now?

Jim: It's, it's funny. Some of the research actually shows some of the same things that cause struggles for teenage ladies. So like having a negative, self-image, comparing themselves to other retired women, feelings of restlessness. Really just a lack of self confidence, doubting oneself. I mean, those, those image things that seems like, you know, we struggled with in high school, we're back struggling with them again that caused loneliness and retirement. What else have you seen?

Bruce: Well, one of the other things that I've seen is the, the increased stress that they seem to put on themselves, and a looking for answers sometimes in all the wrong places. But Focusing on a problem and not either letting it go or finding a solution. And so again, it's that internal focus on the problem that then creates that, that attitude of, of loneliness, depression. And then we see all the things that are happening in the, you know, in the, in the gray time of life.

Jim: Right. All right. So let's switch that over to men. What are some of the signs of loneliness in men?

Bruce: Singularity wardrobe. They always wear the same thing.

Jim: Well, it's much easier when our wives pick out our clothes.

Bruce: And so it's a, again, it's a diminishing of self image and a lack of being all that they can be. And being willing to settle for less than they can be.

Jim: So that, is that related to purpose? I mean, having a, a loss of purpose?

Bruce: Clearly a loss of purpose. Too much time in front of the TV. You know, it's interesting. One of the, one of the restaurants that I go to here is kind of a man's restaurant and it's so refreshing to be able to see, you know, 5, 6, 7 guys, bunch of gray haired guys on a Wednesday morning, nine o'clock getting together and you sit down, you chat with 'em for a bit. And, and what you find is that that may be the only social interaction they have for the whole week. Yeah. And, and that's, you know, that is that again, takes loneliness to to another level.

Jim: We uncovered some other things - disconnected from loved ones when people feel lonely, engaging in risky behavior, increased aggression, just inner frustration that comes up because people are lonely. And of course, abusing substances.

Bruce: I was gonna say, drug alcohol and drugs becomes in, in an older group. It's generally more alcohol than it is drugs, but although we see an increasing number there. But it's a way of self-medicating right? To get rid of the pain.

Jim: And, and let's talk about that because there's some, there's some physical things that come along, physical health issues that come along with loneliness as well.

Bruce: Well, there are, and as you either, don't go to the doctor and continue to, you know, have some health issues or you do go to the doctor and you get what it is that you need to do. And, and it's in that process, it's generally not good news. You don't leave the doctor's office where him saying, man, you're in fantastic shape, go out and, you know, play 18 and, and you know, hike up the incline trail here in Colorado Springs. It's it's the opposite. And so all of the messaging that comes reinforces those negative feelings and those are directly connected to loneliness.

Jim: Well, in fact, they, they gave us a list when we did some research that, you know, some of the negative effects on physical and mental health, alcohol and drug misuse, altered brain function. Loneliness can drive to altered brain function, Alzheimer's disease progression, antisocial behavior, () some of us have that naturally), cardiovascular disease and stroke, decreased memory and learning depression, suicide and increased stress levels. So there's all kinds of those negative things that, that impact our health when we become lonely. So we need to do that.

So let's, let's talk about the Retirement Reformation. How does involvement in the Retirement Reformation help our friends or listeners deal with loneliness in retirement? Because you've got a solution tothis.

Bruce: You do, and it's God's solution. It's not ours. And it's a matter of implementing it, knowing it. It's it's amazing the amount of information that's available to all of us that we ignore, that we don't absorb. And we don't engage with that. We, we learned what are the antidotes to all of these negative things that we're talking about.

Matter of fact, I think it would be accurate to say that virtually all of the downhill issues that are depressing and so on in the aging process, the antidote to each and every one of them is finding new meaning and purpose and relationships in conjunction with it. So finding meaning and purpose. When you have, when you have meaning and purpose, then in fact, one of the results of that is that you will be interacting with others to positively impact their life, which has the wonderful result of taking that loneliness and setting it over on the shelf. In allowing us to look forward to each day, each week, each month and each succeeding year.

Jim: Yeah. What's great about that is that also your Retirement Reformation groups that you've set up, the small group studies that you've set up to put, to get going within churches. All of that will help re eliminate loneliness by bringing people together to have a common cause living out their faith in their retirement and sharing that idea, that ideal with many others.

It's a fantastic solution. I just encourage all of our listeners to check us out online retirementreformation.org, Bruce, you've got the ability to come out to a church and discuss setting up Retirement Reformation groups. You've got weekends retreats that you teach. There's a lot of ways to get churches and small groups involved in this, isn't there?

Bruce: There are, and the, all it takes is a phone call or an email. And that starts the process. What happens is that when we have that small flicker of light, when one person says, you know, we could be doing more, let's explore what we can do. And then that light can just simply shine and, and continue to grow. There's there's 40 million people who need to hear this conversation and then take the step that shines light on loneliness and brings relationship to fruition.

Jim: That step is: go out to retirementreformation.org, check us out, contact us, and we will be in touch with you. Retiremenreformation.org. Thank you, Bruce Bruinsma.

Bruce: Thanks Jim.

Jim: You've been listening to iRetire4Him, a podcast dedicated to you, our retired listeners and iRetire4Him is the mouthpiece for the Retirement Reformation. I'm your host, Jim Brangenberg of course, Bruce Bruinsma with the founder of the Retirement Reformation has been with us this whole time talking about loneliness.

We'll be back in a couple weeks with our podcast release on solutions to loneliness, but remember this. We're Christ followers, journeying from reformation, from retirement to reformation. Well, I've done this close a lot better than this before, but we ultimately, all we wanna really say is iRetire4Him!

Outro: Thanks for listening to, iRetire4Him with your host, Jim and Martha Brangenberg and Retirement Reformation founder, Bruce Bruinsma. iRetire4Him is the mouthpiece of the Retirement Reformation. Most Christians tend to follow the world's pattern of rest and self pampering during retirement.

However, in your retirement, you can be focused on God's unique call to love, serve and help others. This can be your best season of life. If you take advantage of a life's worth. College and experience and combine it with a greater freedom of time and money and invest it all in the generations, both preceding and following you.

The Retirement Reformation is encouraging Christians to find and follow God's call in all seasons and aspects of life. Especially in retirement. Take time to sign the manifesto at retirementreformation.org and explore the wealth of resources available on our site. Join this movement of God and journey from retirement to reformation.

So you can say, iRetire4Him. Go to retirement, reformation.org.