iRetire4Him Show 68: Loneliness in Retirement, Part 3

Intro: While retirement is generally seen as a time of relaxation and self focus. God calls us to love, serve and help others for a lifetime. He has been preparing us for this retirement season, literally our entire lives. In retirement, countless Christians enter a state of spiritual dormancy, not knowing how they are called to have an impact for God's kingdom.

The Retirement Reformation seeks to encourage and empower the 50 million Christians approaching or in retirement. To embrace the calling. God has been preparing in them when the world says it's time to stop. You can begin to have your greatest impact. Welcome to iRetire4Him. The mouthpiece of the Retirement Reformation, where our goal is to journey from retirement to reformation. So you can say, iRetire4Him!

Jim: Reaching out to the 50 million Christ followers in America who are approaching or already in retirement. You've tuned into, iRetire4Him, the mouthpiece for the Retirement Reformation. I'm your host, Jim Brangenberg along with the founder of the Retirement Reformation, Bruce Bruinsma.

Please check us out online retirementreformation.org. Retirementreformation.org. We encourage you tell your retired friends or your pre-retired friends about the iRetire4Him podcast. It's available on all your favorite podcast platforms. I retire the number 4 him. I retire the number 4 him. That's a podcast on your favorite podcast platform.

We're talking about loneliness. This is a series on loneliness. The first one of the series was what are the causes of loneliness? The second one, what are some ways we can eliminate loneliness? Today we're gonna focus on loneliness versus solitude. What's the difference? And how does what's the value of solitude for the everyday retired believer? Bruce, it's been a fantastic series. Welcome back to this final part of part three of our series. Thanks for being here today.

Bruce: Well, this is such an important topic. Jim and I've enjoyed the, the first two weeks we've talked and will really enjoy today, I know. When we, when we, when we evaluate all of the different manifestations, both positive and negative, that can take place during the 30 years that we call retirement and each one of the three different segments of different stages of retirement, the one issue keeps popping up as being central in how you deal with it makes such a difference.

Jim: And what's that issue.

Bruce: Loneliness. That is the one you might think it would be lack of money or, or all kinds of different things. But at the heart is, is this issue of loneliness and it's all of its ramifications. And so the fact that we've talked about it, and I think maybe in a few months, we probably oughta come back to it again because you, you can't talk about this too much in terms of helping people to understand what is at that root cause. What are the a, what are the understanding? What are the action steps? And then now as we talk today about the difference between loneliness and solitude.

Jim: So let's just give a brief brief recap, Bruce, for what we've talked about the last couple of weeks, why just give a summary for people?

Bruce: I think first thing is to understand that loneliness is an attitude. It is a state of mind. Now it is a physical being. Our physical state also of there is no one else around, but that no one else around we, we know that there is more to our world than, than the air that simply surrounds us. And so our relationship with Jesus, I can feel a relationship with... this past Monday Judy and I were in in Ann Arbor and we spent three and a half hours with a couple that are friends of ours.

And I have been a friend of his, or he's been a friend of mine, we have been friends since we were 10 years old. Now I'm 81. You do the math. We have been friends for 71 years. There have been extended periods of time during this 71 years. And most of it, we have lived very much apart from each other, but that we know that our relationship still exists.

And, and one time we went, I think five or six years where we didn't talk. And then both of us, for some reason, felt that need to reconnect. And so we spent four hours together with his wife and Judy and myself just reminiscing and just talking about things. And, and one of the things that I know is that our friendship fills a void in my life.

When we are a thousand miles apart. So it's not so much the physical presence, although obviously that makes a difference, but it's the attitude that you bring to the relationships that you have because when loneliness is, is that "man, there is nobody. I am all alone" and there's where that, that problem and the real pain comes.

And, and so being lonely is an attitude, we said in our second segment, that there are choices that you can make to reach out and is when you build relationships, find meaning and purpose that in fact, that loneliness fades away.

Jim: When you look at loneliness, which you've defined as a feeling and, and, and it can be an attitude, but it's, it's a feeling that impacts so many. What about solitude? Define solitude for me.

Bruce: Well, I think solitude is quite different. I believe that, you know, when we, and, and we've talked about it, but when, when Jesus retreated from the group and went by himself, I don't think he was lonely there. I think he was finding solitude, which is then an opportunity to connect emotionally and relationally for him with the father.

And we have that same opportunity. But if I am reflecting upon my relationship with my, my friend for 71 years, I don't even have to talk to him. I can reflect on the relationships that we have. And I'm not lonely. I am, I was gonna say fulfilled. I'm not sure that's quite the right word either, but, but I know that someone cares, I care about them. I can reach out to them. They can reach out to me. And it's this whole idea of relationship rather than just connectedness. And, and so there is a need for solitude.

So for example one of my partners on a, all about every six months will go take three days and we will get in his car and start to drive all by himself. No idea where he is going. He just gets out and drives. Turn right, turn left, and finds out a day and a half later where he is, and then finds his way back home. And that solitude is his time with God, his time with himself. And it's very, very positive. Matter of fact, the way that he handles solitude and perhaps there's a suggestion for all of us, there is, it will be a wonderful antidote to loneliness.

Jim: He just may change, change the way he does it after he figures out the cost of gas, just driving, just to drive.

Bruce: Exactly. Yeah. It may change. Exactly.

Jim: So, Bruce, you've been an, you've been an on the road and in the air kind of sales guy for, you know, for 60 years. How did loneliness and solitude play a part in your life?

Bruce: One of the things, it took me a long time to understand, but whether I was flying to Southeast Asia, which takes 39 hours, going to Europe or, you know, driving across the state or whatever, it may be, one of the things that for a long time, I didn't understand why that didn't bother me, why that was okay. And what I finally learned was that was where I could, was able to get my me time to rejuvenate myself, pray, think about things, to get things in perspective, and I needed that amount of solitude and that provided it. Now for most people, they go, well, gee, I hate airplanes and can't sit for that long and you know, on and on and on and on.

Jim: Yeah, I get that. The solitude I'm okay with, but the sitting still, I don't know. 39 hours, that's a long time.

Bruce: That is a long time. But if you think about, you know, what is it that I need to be praying about, thinking about figuring out. And I use that time to do that where there is no pressure, right? There is no, I can't do anything else.

I can't go out and walk on a wing. I can't answer the phone. I can't do that. So that, that solitude is a point of rejuvenation. And, and, and re-energizing. And I, and we all have different needs for different amounts of that. But I really think for most of us, if, if we'd have a, you know, a personal retreat or a personal time where we intentionally are reading a book, we're praying we're, you know, reading the Bible, whatever it may be.

It is, it is wonderful. I remember spending four day, five days at a cabin in Sweden, out in the middle of the woods, man. I mean, there wasn't anybody around and sitting on the porch in that cabin in Sweden and just saying, okay, God, what do you want me to think about? And just sitting there, and then the thoughts would come and, and it was just, oh, it was just exhilarating to have solitude. And, and, and that, that then, as I said, is an antidote to loneliness and is part of the ways that I think that we talk to God and that we allow him to guide us in what's coming next.

Jim: Good words. We'll be right back with more on iRetire4Him. Hang on.

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The basic level is free, so you can get started today. Take the journey from retirement to reformation. So you can say, iRetire4Him. RetirementReformation.org. Let's get back to more. iRetire4Him.

Jim: Hey, welcome back to iRetire4Him. The mouthpiece for the Retirement Reformation. Today we have during our second segment, a special conversation with Sue Ruddick.

She's a retired employee of DaySpring. You know, if you go out there and buy great cards in a local bookstore that are Christian cards, they're often, if you turn 'em over, they're DaySpring cards. They have a phenomenal line of products. DaySpring cards are what I tend to use, but they have a phenomenal line of products.

For all kinds of things that uplift Christian women across the spectrum. I encourage you to check 'em out at dayspring online. That'd be a fantastic opportunity for you to see what they're all about. Sue Ruddick, you retired from Dayspring 12 years ago.

Sue Ruddick: Yes.

Jim: And you didn't a lot of time to prep for retirement, and you mentioned that you felt loneliness. And I wanna talk about that today. Loneliness versus a little bit of solitude, but Sue, as you retired, did you ever wonder how you would fill your days?

Sue Ruddick: Yes. Yes.

Jim: Talk to me about that.

Sue Ruddick: Well, my days were very full and I loved every moment because I loved the interaction with people, which is part of God's gifting that he, that he has put in me.

And so when that was taken away, I thought, okay Lord, what is it? What, what is going on here? And he seemed to be quiet with me. So I have learned through the years that when God is quiet, I still need to press in to him. And that this is where the, the feelings of loneliness and loss become... it's not insignificant.

But he uses that to pull you towards him. It's part of his pursuing to bring you into a closer or a deeper relationship with him, because none of us like to be lonely and you can only watch so much TV and you can only read so many books before you're kind of going: okay, what's the benefit of all this? Sorry.

Jim: That's that's okay. It's so true though. It is because there's only so much golf you could play. There's so much tennis you could play. Like you said, books or TV - after a while your mind starts to melt. At any point in time in your retirement, these last 12 years, did you struggle with loneliness?

Sue Ruddick: Yes. Yes.

Jim: Talk to me about that.

Sue Ruddick: And, and again, this is where the real source of fulfillment and getting rid of loneliness is God. So when you allow Jesus Christ and the holy spirit to become active in your life, you begin to sense the fulfillment and the purpose. And those are two things that drive out loneliness.

They did for me. So when I began to feel like God had a purpose for me, that he wasn't through with me, that there was more to just cooking meals and cleaning the house and running the errands and helping some friends, there was more to life that I wanted. And that was the loneliness that was there because I didn't have the purpose anymore that was kingdom driven.

And so the pressing in, and his pursuing me to, into his word, was what began to drive the loneliness out and give me a sense of fulfillment. It's not really the doing of the task for the kingdom, but it's the relationship that we have with our God.

Jim: So doing the stuff didn't eliminate the loneliness, but seeking him, spending time with him. And that's what we would call maybe solitude. You got some solitude with the Lord. Talk to me about your, your, your time of solitude with Him.

Sue Ruddick: It was, we lived out in the country. So that was, it was easier because we weren't in the hustle bustle of town all the time.

Jim: Hustle and bustle of Siloam Springs. That's what you mean, which is a town of how many people?

Sue Ruddick: Well, we actually lived out in the country. Well, five acres of wooded property.

Jim: Right. I know. But how big you talking about the hustle and bustle for busy town?

Sue Ruddick: No, but we do live not far from Bentenville now, which is okay.

Jim: Then there is some hustle and bustle there - explains that. Yeah. Okay.

Sue Ruddick: And when, when I began to really press into God and say, okay, Lord, I am just feeling this loneliness. I kind of have this emptiness and, and I don't understand it because you're my savior. I should be, I should be content with where you have me, but he was stirring things in me getting me ready to go talk to my pastor about starting a women's Bible study. And we were in a church of a decent size. We were running five or 600, but no women's ministry.

And so that when this friend said just out of the blue, I think you should do women's Bible study. I'm kind of going, okay. So that was kind of the birthing point, but God had been working through that loneliness, pulling me towards him, putting me in a place where I was gonna have to exercise my faith and I didn't feel competent. I didn't feel trained. All of those things that we say when God's getting ready to do something in our lives. So he had been working on this loneliness thing, some of it to make me desperate enough, I guess, to the point where I would be willing to just, okay, I'm gonna do something. And but it was all in God's design.

Jim: Talk to me about your experience with your friends. You, you started up this ladies Bible study. Were all the people in the Bible study retired?

Sue Ruddick: No.

Jim: No. Okay. But you had other retired friends who were ladies as well?

Sue Ruddick: Yeah.

Jim: Yes. How, how did you see them struggling with loneliness and struggling with this whole transition into retirement?

Sue Ruddick: I saw the very same things popping up in their lives. I saw them, they didn't, they didn't really have a sense of purpose. They were doing things with family and taking care of, of kids and parents. But they didn't really seem to have that deep contentment with the Lord and a strong purpose of kingdom work. And I, and we see that so much. Now we encounter opposition from the world, even when you're not retirement age. We, we just see the world coming at us to rob that peace that we have with Christ.

Jim: It's so true yet retirement is supposed to be all about peace and relaxation and fun. Did you find that it was a little bit more than that?

Sue Ruddick: Yes.

Jim: But what was your, describe the emotions that you went through, you know, in that first few years of retirement? Cause a lot of people think, well, I'm just gonna, I get to sleep in as late as I want to. I get to do whatever I wanna do. Nobody gets to tell me where to go and tell me what to do, but what were you really feeling?

Sue Ruddick: You have no direction. You are like that ship out on the sea. That's tossed about everywhere with no seeming direction. And I go back to this word again. There was no purpose and God built in us the desire to have a purpose for his kingdom. And when you don't have that, you are afloat with no direction, no fulfillment.

And it's, it's painful. And it is a lonely place. And and God in his mercy just comes. And when he calls us to be his children, he doesn't just leave us. So through the years of serving him and even, especially during retirement. What was it in my last days on this earth, could I do to forward God's purpose?

What could I do to impact the kingdom for the future? I don't wanna just sit here and let time fly away. And the older I get, the more intense that becomes. So once I got through that initial adjustment of a year, the intensity began to build. So I spend a lot of time at my church volunteering.

I do, I, I lead the women's ministry. I teach a lady Sunday school class. I, we host a live group at our house. I serve on a couple of committees at church and. I, when I look at, at these women, I want them to know Christ and I want them to have peace and security in that he can still use them, even if they can't drive and get out anymore.

They're still, God has a purpose for them. So how do we, how do I help them move into that sense of feeling usable by God? God, doesn't just set us aside and wait for us to die. Right. He sets us, he may put us on a shelf, whether it's physical or financial or whatever, but he still has - his purpose is overarching. Everything is about God's purpose.

Jim: So as we close out this segment with Sue Ruddick today, a retired employee of Dayspring online, Dayspring.com. Talk to me about resources that helped you get through these last 12 years of retirement. Did you have any special books that you read that held or, I mean, was there anything out there to help you?

Sue Ruddick: No. I have to say that. Not that I was aware of. I'm sure the resources were out there, but I didn't know it. So it's been, as we would say, a school of hard knocks, I've learned it just by personal experience and being involved in Bible study. And I would specifically target Bible studies to get involved in as a participant.

But as a facilitator also and I recently just realized I, I have to feed me too. So it was like I had to seek out certain things with whatever issue I was dealing with. If once I move beyond loneliness, we had, we've had tragedies in the family. You know, why, why God? Help me understand this and not be angry, not be bitter at you for what's happened.

And so I would target those emotions and work on a Bible study in regard to that and then let him do the hard work, cuz I had to be willing for him to say, okay...

Jim: I wanna capture what you said offline before we got started recording today. When you saw, when you, because you didn't know anything about iRetire4Him, you didn't know anything about the Retirement Reformation. Tell me what, what you said to me.

Sue Ruddick: Well, I'm not sure what...

Jim: Well, that's okay. Tell me what's on your heart about it.

Sue Ruddick: Oh, on, in retirement that there are things that you can do to prepare that I didn't know about. And so having gone through that, and, and as I was kind of rethinking back through what I might say to you about, about post retirement and how to prepare for it today, I thought there are levels of things we need to do to retire that I did not know about and was caught off guard.

We always think financial that's the first thing that pops up. Right. And am I financially prepared for this? Well, probably not, but, but beyond that, there was a level of emotion that had I, that had I known to prepare for. I, they wouldn't have caught me so off guard.

Jim: And I wanna capture that the next time we bring you on, I wanna capture some of those thoughts. The lack of preparation that you had and what you've learned now that you can help some other people with when you come back and share that part of your story.

Sue Ruddick: I would love to.

Jim: All right. You've been listening to iRetire4Him. We'll be right back with segment three.

Break: Every iRetire4Him show goes so quickly. We don't often get to remind you that there are two resources you should be checking out right now.

I recommend that you get a copy of the Retirement Reformation book and the iRetire4Him book. Retirement Reformation focuses on the mindset and behavioral changes needed, let's just say paradigm shifting that is needed to live out your faith in retirement. iRetire4Him is focused on many of the ways you could put your faith into action by investing your life into others in your retirement years. Get both at the retirement reformation website in the bookstore retirementreformation.org. That's retirementreformation.org.

Jim: And welcome back to iRetire4Him, the mouthpiece for the Retirement Reformation. Please check us out online retirementreformation.org. Retirementreformation.org. We're talking about loneliness versus solitude.

And here's my question for you. We've talked about all of it. Good, the bad, and the ugly about loneliness. What are the soul - S O U L benefits of solitude? I wanna bring this up before you answer that question. Psalm 46:10, one of those ones that Martha talks to me about. You know, in the English version, it says be still and know that I am God.

I'm told that in the Hebrew that it really says stop striving and know that I'm God. And that's solitude. And I've, I've been at a place, there was a camp that we visited in north Tennessee many years back. And that was their camp motto be still and know God. And, and when you were at that camp, you couldn't help because your cell phone wouldn't work and, you know, there was no television and it was just a quiet place.

Talk to me about you. What are the soul benefits? Our soul benefits for solitude?

Bruce: I think when we think about loneliness, there is a sense of rejection in that. Either you rejecting the outside world and posting inward or feeling that people are rejecting you so that you. When we, when we transfer that conversation into solitude, it goes from that feeling of rejection to a, a replenishment of our soul and an engagement and an embracing that we're embracing something in our relationship with God, in our understanding of ourselves.

And it has nothing to do with rejection. And so that you're, you can breathe easy rather than breathing tight. You can have unclenched hands rather than clenched fists. You can, you can eat well without indigestion. Those are the things that, that come from that. And, and, you know, what is the, you know, if we use the word soul and I, I just, I love that.

It is the essence of who we are and is the essence that God created us. And so that soul being that we have to be able to, to, to rest it, to refresh it, to realign it, perhaps to heal it, all of those internal needs that. That that are not what God would intend for us. That is not what I love you means. The opposite. And so our soul healing and when our soul is healthy, then our relationships will grow. When our soul is not, our relationships will diminish with God, with ourselves and with others.

Jim: What do you say that the, what does the Bible say about solitude? Give me, gimme something from your heart. I shared my verse about it. What, what do you say that the Bible says about the value of solitude?

Bruce: I think the whole idea of, of being quiet by still waters, green grass, quiet. David knew his heart was with God and God knows, cuz he created us that we need those times alone and that in those times alone we need to be refreshed.

Jesus needed to be refreshed. Cause man, he was getting it knocked out of him on a regular basis, emotionally, physically, every which way. And so we need that refreshing in order to go. And isn't that the reason why we take vacation so that in fact we can be refreshed? Hopefully you put some refreshing time into the, in, in, into those, into those activities.

On the other hand, when the soul is refreshed, one of the results is creative and physical energy and the ability to be able to be passionate about what God is passionate about and what he's built into you. And so you need those times of refreshing.

But it's not 20 years. It's not sitting on the couch. That's not what that means. The refreshing of our soul and the healing of the wounds. I had a real, a real painful experience at one point in my life and, and probably for the next 20 years. Occasionally, I would go back to that painful point and, and kind of relive it. And it would really hurt. It was, it was, you know, it was not good.

It made me feel very much alone in those moments. And I would fight that and say, well, that doesn't make any sense and go away. So then I got finally saying, you know, God, my soul is hurting about this and what is it that you want me to do so I can set it aside and move on. And his answer was you need to go back to that place where that took place.

You need to go into that environment where that took place and you need to be there. And just let me, talk to me. Okay. So Judy and I took a trip and went to that place. Told Judy to stay in the hotel. I got something I gotta do. So I went to that place and I said, okay, I'm here. What he said was, you know I love you.

So yeah, he just, I loved you then. Really? Yeah. I loved you then. And I love you now. Why don't you just take that pain in your soul and set it aside? That's a good idea. It had shadowed my soul for 20 years. And to have that lifted. Wow. What a benefit of being in solitude with God?

Jim: How can the Retirement Reformation come alongside all of our listeners to just help us to experience more solitude, Bruce?

Bruce: Well, I think we have a wonderful prayer app. That's that's a great one. And and so to really help you to, to be more consistent and more embracing in your prayer life. That's one way I think a second way is to, is, is, you know, settle down with that good book in front of the fireplace on a snowy night and.

Jim: Or in front of the air conditioner on one of those hot nights.

Bruce: Or in front of the air conditioner when it's hotter than blue blazes. And, and let it speak to you. I think the opportunity to, to be in community with like-minded friends, even though when you are in community, it is not solitude, but it gives you that soul healing strength to be in solitude, but not feel alone. So you can be by yourself and be totally alone. You can be by yourself and be totally embraced. I'd suggest the second.

Jim: And you send out a, a devotional on Sundays with the connection to the prayer app. You've, you've got your, your four books, five books that people can read through in solitude, just to listen to what God has to say to them about retirement. A lot of great ways. Retirementreformation.org, retirementreformation.org.

Bruce, that ends our series right now on loneliness and retirement, but what a great, what a great way to end it to just embrace solitude as Jesus embraced the 40 days before he launched his ministry, as Moses had to embrace 40 years before he was launched into his ministry, God uses solitude to shape us first. Great conversation. Thank you.

Bruce: Thank you, Jim. I'm glad we did the series and, and we'll look forward to the next one. And, and in all of the series that we do. To remember that there's, that, that issue of solitude that is floating around there, that we, we need to continue to be aware of, to address, and to be able to go, you know, perhaps to go from being lonesome to a soul healing solitude.

Jim: You've been listening to, iRetire4Him, the mouthpiece of the Retirement Reformation with your host, Jim Brangenberg, of course the founder of the Retirement Reformation, Bruce Bruinsma. We're Christ followers, journeying from retirement to reformation using solitude. So we can ultimately say iRetire4Him.

Bruce: iRetire4Him.

Outro: Thanks for listening to, iRetire4Him. With your host, Jim and Martha Brangenberg and Retirement Reformation founder, Bruce Bruinsma. iRetire4Him is the mouthpiece of the Retirement Reformation. Most Christians tend to follow the world's pattern of rest and self pampering during retirement.

However, in your retirement, you can be focused on God's unique call to love. Serve and help others. This can be your best season of life. If you take advantage of a life's worth of knowledge and experience and combine it with a greater freedom of time and money and invest it all in the generations, both preceding and following you, the Retirement Reformation is encouraging Christians.

To find and follow God's call in all seasons and aspects of life, especially in retirement. Take time to sign the manifesto at retirementreformation.org and explore the wealth of resources available on our site. Join this movement of God and journey from retirement to reformation. So you can say, iRetire4Him.

Go to retirement, reformation.org.