iRetire4Him Show 109: Why are Old People Grumpy?

Jim Brangenberg: Did you know that when you retire, your calling doesn't retire? Your calling is a lifetime calling, and if you're still around, God isn't done with you yet. You may be aware of what you retired from, but what did you retire to? You've tuned in to iRetire4Him, the voice and resource of the Retirement Reformation, an organization dedicated to you, the retiree who loves Jesus and wants purpose for all of your days, especially the ones ahead of you.

Bruce Bruinsma joins us today as the founder of the Retirement Reformation. He's here to encourage and walk through retirement alongside you. I'm your host, Jim Brangenberg. We invite you to check us out online, Retirement Reformation. org or on Facebook: Retirement Reformation.

Have you ever seen the movie Grumpy old men? It was hilarious. Was it a comedy? Or was it a documentary? Are older people grumpier? Why is it that the general impression of the public is that when people get old, they get grumpy too? I don't know if anyone gets grumpy on purpose, but today and for the next three podcasts, we're going to talk about why old people are grumpy.

Bruce, are you grumpy?

Bruce Bruinsma: Jim, I would like to say that I'm not, but occasionally I am. And so I think this is going to be an interesting topic that our audience will connect with at various levels, whether it be personally or it be in with their parents or grandparents or others in their lives.

I know as often as I'm doing webinars and seminars and with groups of people, and I look out over the audience, I always can spot there's some folks that just got their arms folded, they got a frown on their face, and they're just flat not happy. And in these next three podcasts, we're going to explore that a little bit and maybe we can open some doors and open some minds to be able to find a way that God's purpose for us is not to be grumpy.

Jim Brangenberg: All right. So Bruce, what is the number one reason older people are grumpy? Is it taxes?

Bruce Bruinsma: I tell you what, I really think the single biggest reason why older people are grumpy is because, and let me just back up a moment, just to remind our audience that when we talk about the ages of retirement, we're talking about a 30 year period.

So it's a very long period. And in that long period, there's lots of changes. And I think most of us have difficulty when change comes to us, particularly when it's a surprise. And I think it's the fact that we've got an extended period of time with lots of different changes that come. And when that happens, I think a very human response is just simply to be grumpy.

I don't like it. I don't want to do this. I don't want to make that decision. I don't. And that is maybe the shorthand version of what grumpy is. I don't like, I don't want to, I can't, don't make me, don't talk to me about that. And let me just give you one example.

There's a good, very good friend of mine. His wife always prided herself on having a great memory and she could remember everything. She didn't need to keep a calendar. Everything was good. She is running into one of those stages in the changes where that's not there. And so she's starting to miss appointments and opportunities and times with people.

And so when you talk to her about, she says I don't forget. I'm right there. She is in total denial about what is actually happening and it's making her grumpy.

Jim Brangenberg: And making the people around her grumpy. So really, is it- what about physical ailments? Because as we get older, our body gets a little older. I'm in my late fifties and there's days where I'm like, wow, I feel old today. Bruce, you're a little older than I am. Does having physical issues, does that make your grumpy?

Bruce Bruinsma: Yeah I'll tell you, I'll give you a personal experience here about oh, two months ago. My back started to hurt and it, and I kept working with it and trying to loosen it up and to try to get it there and finally it got so bad that in fact it took me about 20 minutes to get from bed to the bathroom and it just flat hurt. And I was not fun to be with because of the pain and the discomfort and the interruption to the things that I wanted to do.

And I finally, and I didn't know what else to do, went to the doctor. He didn't, wasn't any help. He said, Oh, you're just getting older. And I thought, man, you don't have no idea. And so I finally went to a chiropractor and chiropractors are not my favorite people. Some people count on them regularly and that's not me, but anyway.

I went to one and the first time that I went to him, the manipulations that he did didn't help at all that night. I was in just as much pain and I'm going this is ridiculous. And so all the thoughts that were going through my mind and all the stuff that was happening in conversation with Judy and everything was just totally concerned or totally impacted by that pain that I was feeling. So I went back the next day and I said, Doc, I said whatever you did, it didn't help. And he said, OK. So he went to work on me again. And oh, my goodness gracious, it made a difference. Now, not only did it make a difference, in fact, that the pain went away, but it made a difference in my attitude, in my conversation, in my ability to think more clearly because of that pain.

So when you say physical health issues, you bet. And they're going to show up periodically, just in the process of senescence and then individual events. So the change in our physical health and not being able to do what it is that we're used to doing and that we want to do is one of the things that interferes with that attitudinal process.

Jim Brangenberg: All right. So just not be able to do things can make you grumpy. Hurt, pain can make you grumpy. What about, I don't know- what if you have to keep repeating this because somebody can't hear anymore or what about you just can't remember? Do you ever have times where you just can't remember what you want to remember, Bruce?

Bruce Bruinsma: Oh, absolutely. And you see that, and that's an ongoing process, whether it be the beginnings of Alzheimer's or the beginnings of dementia. And fortunately, there's a lot of research being done, but this is a very common thing. It used to be forever and ever, where did I put my car keys is the, the classic one of that, but when it gets to the point of not only where did I put my car keys, but I really can't find the rascals and then they end up in the refrigerator or, some really stupid place and for us to be able to recognize that there are those changes going back to my friend's wife. We never kept a calendar.

Now, the fact that she's got to keep a calendar and then look at it every day in order to know what's got to be done. But that's a major change. And it feels like a rejection of who I am. And it's part of the senescence, but it takes a really emotionally mature person to be able to recognize those kinds of changes and to make the adjustments that come with it.

Jim Brangenberg: So there are ways then to work around the grumpiness? ' Because we know that physical ailments are gonna come our way. We know that our bodies are gonna go downhill. We know that we live in a broken world and our bodies eventually become completely broken, but also our mental health is gonna go down. But you're saying there's a way to work around that grumpiness?

Bruce Bruinsma: There is, and one of the things as I spoke to those groups over the last probably year and a half and realized there were so many Christ followers that were grumpy, and I said, it shouldn't be that way.

And I talked to myself as well as to my audience as well as and so on. And so I said what's the answer to that? I was reminded of this, first of all, it started with a reminder of a hymn that we used to sing at my grandmother's church when I was growing up. And I would go to church with her on Sunday nights.

And the song that they would sing would be What a Friend We Have in Jesus. And so as I've studied through scripture and where Jesus talks about in the book of John, where he says, now I call you friend. And if I've got a friend in Jesus, I'm A) not going to be lonely. That's going to be helpful.

And B) I have access to what he says we have access to as Christ followers, is the work of the Holy Spirit, and that we have the Holy Spirit in us and that Holy Spirit is to help form us to be more Christlike. To be more Christlike when we got health problems, when we forget stuff, when we got bad circumstances, whatever it may be. To be more Christlike and to be able to, to use the power of the fruit of the spirit to be able to change our attitude and how we think and how we respond. And so the net result of that, Jim, was I wrote a book about it and we'll talk about that in some other...

Jim Brangenberg: I think in the next segment, we'll do that. You're listening to iRetire4Him as we talk about why are old people grumpy?

In the next segment we're going to talk with Jennifer Mann. She's got a story to hear, and we'll get back to this conversation. You're listening to iRetire4Him. We'll be right back.

Jim Brangenberg: Hey, welcome back to iRetire4Him. As we do in every middle segment of every show, Bruce brings on a special guest. Bruce, who do you have for us today?

Bruce Bruinsma: Jim, I got a really special guest today that has a story that I think is going to be helpful to many of our listeners.

Her name is Jennifer Mann, and Jennifer has spent the majority of her life in the financial services industry. Never once during that period of time did she ever have an inclination or a thought of anything of changing other than that general area of her career, and yet God had another plan in mind.

And the hand that she grabbed and held, which was her mother's- and she'll tell us about that in a moment- that was the start of what is now a new journey. And we're just so glad that you're here, Jennifer . And in an executive kind of a way, we want to be able to track that journey as to where it is now and then be supportive to you of where it is that it's going.

So tell us the story of what is the journey that has taken you now to beginning I think it's either later this week or next week, to take your first class, your first seminary class. So take us through that story.

Jennifer Mann: Thank you. Thanks for having me. It did start years ago after my career ended in the financial industry to stay home with the kids.

And then my parents returned back to Virginia from Florida and their health began to fade. So they lived about 10 or 11 minutes from me. So I was the obvious sibling, if you will. I wasn't working and I was the closest in proximity. So I began the journey, the daily journeys, the weekly journeys back and forth to their house to help them out.

And then, as my mother was diagnosed with colon cancer, and my father was on a very slippery slope with dementia and some Lewy body, which affects some other areas of your brain. So they were both in pretty physical decline pretty quickly. After probably a good year and a half of kind of just tending to their needs, we then moved my mother into the house here and my father into a memory care.

And then that just changed the dynamics that much more to be their caretaker. And I loved it. But I must admit there were many days where I was traveling to their house just to fix the remote control so they could watch Columbo for the second or third time that day.

And it would get a little aggravating. I'd get behind the wheel of the car and I would constantly remind myself, I'm honoring God. I'm honoring my mom and dad. I'm honoring God. I'm honoring my mom and dad. And that just became my mantra. And that fueled me. That really was like my manna for the day.

I just, I would say those words on the days that I needed it. So fast forward, then my mother passed away two years ago, December 23rd, and my father passed away eight months later in his memory care facility. So it's been about a year and a half. And during that journey- I have a wonderful friend. Her name is Jennifer and she's a grief counselor. She's a chaplain. She's an ordained minister. But she's been in my life for the last two years and has been very much part of my grief.

But it was during those, this last year and a half that I've been struggling. I have been just, to use straight from scripture, I've been wandering the desert for a year and a half trying to figure out where, what's next and what's my purpose and where does God want me and what am I supposed to be doing with my days and my hours that I have? It's been hard, it's been frustrating. It's been lonely, feeling super lost and as God would have it, we changed churches a few months ago.

We'd been at this church for 13 years. And for a lot of good reasons, my husband and I felt called to a different church. And in that shift, I then met a woman named Dina. And Dina and I just got chatting one day about purpose. And I was telling her that I'm struggling.

I'm crying out to God every day, what is my purpose? Being a wife is one thing and a mother to kids that are grown and now grandchildren. But what's my purpose? And have I missed the boat? Cause it feels like the word purpose is so daunting and big, and if you miss it. And she said, I want you to rethink the word purpose.

She said to me, she goes, I choose to believe that Jesus was the purpose, Jesus served the purpose. He came as to a virgin mother. He lived among men. He taught us to love. He died for our sins and he rose again. He served the purpose. We are merely here to work out assignments, the thing God ordains us with under his purpose.

And once she explained it that way, my mind and everything about me just opened up to the idea of, okay, I've not missed anything just yet. And as a matter of fact, she helped me identify that I've been meeting God's assignment when I quit my career years ago to stay home with the kids, that was an assignment.

And that came to an end and then that freed me up to be ready and prepared me for then caretaking for my parents. And that was an assignment that came to an end. So I'm not, I'm just waiting. I was just in that preparation stage while I was feeling so lost. God didn't neglect me or forget me.

He was just, it was just his timing for me to be ready for this next call, this next assignment. And so sure enough in this new church, we had a 21 day prayer service that just ended. 21 days, every day at 7. There were hundreds of people would attend this thing. And one of the associate pastors on week two took the pulpit and I was having an exceptionally difficult day.

I was feeling very much, I was crying out to God hardcore morning, day, and night, and just, I don't know what I'm supposed to do with myself. And I went to the 7am service by myself. My husband had to be at a meeting and Ryan took the stage and he started talking about our identity. And that soul fulfilling identity.

And I'm like, okay, those are my words. Keep talking. And he started talking about it, how that he is a hospice chaplain. I had no idea. So he starts telling his story as a hospice chaplain. And immediately I heard God whisper in my ear, are you paying attention? Are you listening? And I remember sitting there going I am now. It just really hit me.

It really, I can't even, I can't even describe it, whether it was washed over me or filled me up, but it really struck me that I needed to be paying attention. So we did our prayer session and then afterwards I met up with Ryan to just ask him a few questions and I couldn't not think about it.

I could not think about maybe a hospice chaplain. I've come across them as my parents passed. And I have you know, God has given me a gift of compassion. It's like that's not a far stretch for me. So I thought maybe I'm supposed to look into this. And then that just started a series of calls and contacts where God just kept affirming I'm on the right path. I'm on the right path. And I'd make the next phone call the next day to schools or a professor or my girlfriend who's a chaplain and an ordained minister, reached out to Jennifer again and said, talk to me about this. What does this look like? And I couldn't, I couldn't not think about it.

And God just started making things happen. So you're right, Bruce, after all that I can't, I'm leaving out so many details because I know we don't have the time, but God has given me so many, just so many times he has spoken to me to affirm me when the enemy was chirping in my ear, things like: who do you think you are? You're 58. Who do you think you are to go back to school? And God would be in the other ear, just chuckling saying, you wait, this is going to be great. You're going to have a great time.

Bruce Bruinsma: You're about to enter into into the seminary at Liberty University, if I remember correctly, or Liberty Seminary. You've got two years worth of study to do and all the rest of the things that go along with it. But the compassionate part of your heart, God has really spoken to through the power of his Holy Spirit and has totally changed the direction of your life. And so how do you feel today contrasted with how you felt six months ago?

Jennifer Mann: I could even say, How do I feel today versus even just o ne month ago or two months ago? I am so ecstatic. I am like filled with so much excitement, enthusiasm. Every day when I'm reading my daily Bible, which thanks to you guys, I will have about finished the daily Bible that Tim gave me, I'm just really excited. I'm really excited to see what God has in store next. And quite frankly, my whole ministry of the My Father's Business that I had written down in hopes to help other people go through caretaking their parents really was just sitting there on the shelf waiting.

And then you called me. You had no idea that I was going through this path, or going down this path, and you guys reached out and said, hey, would you be willing to share on the podcast about what you've been through? And I just felt like that was God just saying, my timing is perfect. My timing is perfect. Just relax and trust me.

Bruce Bruinsma: Jennifer, I tell you what. My heart is touched and my mind, my spirit is joyful that God has spoken to you that way and I think there's so many of our listeners who are struggling in the distinction between a calling and yet an assignment. I think that's an important one. And we're going to look forward to another conversation with you maybe in six months and see how God has continued to do that.

So I just want to thank you for being here. I thank you for being willing to listen to what God is saying to you. And as you shared with me in a conversation we had a few days ago, the time that you spent just simply holding your mother's hand during her last moments was one of those really significant events.

So we'll look forward to exploring those together. So thank you so much for being part of what we're doing here. And let's stay connected with the Retirement Reformation as we follow your journey. To meaning and purpose. So thank you, Jennifer.

Jennifer Mann: Absolutely. Thanks for having me.

Jim Brangenberg: We'll be right back with more on iRetire4Him.

Jim Brangenberg: Hey, welcome back to iRetire4Him. What an incredible conversation we had with Jennifer Mann. And I can't wait to hear more of that story, Bruce. When we get down the road, she gets through that seminary class and we hear how God's really working. As we continue the conversation on why old people are grumpy, we started talking with some mental health issues and we started talking about your brand new book that's coming out.

Why don't you tell people what it's all about? Because it's going to apply to this conversation and how we can stop being grumpy.

Bruce Bruinsma: Very much so. As a matter of fact, the motivation for the book itself was that little part of the story that I told in our first segment of being exposed to just a lot of grumpy old people. And to talk to senior pastors and others, and when they would describe, I would ask them, so how are the seniors in your in your congregation doing? Some of them would use the word grumpy, but others would use other words of not supportive, of being negative, of of wanting things all the old way, of being resistant to change.

And so it was out of all of those conversations and then realizing that, what Jesus said was that, it's a good thing that I'm leaving because I'm sending God's spirit that can be with each one of you. And then when you take a look at, as Paul describes, what are the fruit? What is the fruit of the Spirit? And it all starts with love, and then it goes through the other activities.

And one of the biggest insights that I've had, Jim, that I think impacts this whole grumpiness question or this disconcerted time of life for so many, whether it be loneliness or whatever it may be, but this disconcerted time of life is that when we look at the issues that God puts in front of us- could be money, could be health, could be memory, could be any of the things that we've talked about and we'll talk about- but when we do that, what is the lens that we look at those issues through?

Do we look through the lens of loss, frustration disappointment, anxiety? Or do we start with, say, how do I look at this situation that I'm faced with, that I am facing with, first of all, in terms of what is true? And then secondly, start down the list of using the fruit of the spirit as a lens with which to look at the situation and how you respond to it.

One last thought on this area. One of the things that over the last, oh, probably month that I've become so acutely aware of is that when we are faced with a frustrating situation or a challenge or whatever it may be, God is there, and His love doesn't change.

The issue is, how are we going to respond? That becomes the issue. And what we want to do in our humanness, we want to blame God, or we want to blame somebody else, and it's their fault, and this and that and the other thing. God is there, and His love doesn't change. The power of the Holy Spirit and the fruit of the Spirit is there and available to us.

Now, it's our choice on how we're going to use that power that's available to us to address the situation that we're in front of. And when we use that power, grumpiness is not one of the options.

Jim Brangenberg: Yeah. And that's one of those things. So I just want to get personal here. So Martha and I moved my parents into my backyard about nine months ago.

And my mom- biblical scholar, 65 years following the Lord- and I don't know how to bring up in the conversations like, mom, why are you grumpy? Because Jesus and everything! You're as close to heaven as you've ever been now. Why are you grumpy? And I think it's the frustration we talked about.

There's some physical issues. My mom's got a terrible hearing problem. She never worked around heavy machinery and she can barely hear at all as we had dinner together last year. And yet she struggles with just being grumpy because she's frustrated all the time. Her body doesn't move away.

But I think one of the interesting things that she brought up recently was at our funeral, none of our friends are going to be there because they're all gone. I'm like praise God. They are all gone. They're all, all your friends were believers. They got to go first, but they're like I don't know, our friends won't be there. I'm like you won't either! Keep in mind, death is like the ushering in, but how do you bring up the grumpy conversation with your parents, Bruce? if you got grumpy, how would you want your kids to come back at you and say, dad, stop being grumpy?

Bruce Bruinsma: I think, I think when in any difficult situation, and this is certainly one of them, it is relationally difficult.

It is emotionally difficult. It is so on. And so over the years, the wisdom that God has continued to put in front of me is this: Bruce, start with what is true, work really hard to get down to the basics of what is true. Once you know what is true, then you can make decisions from that, that in fact will impact what it is that you're thinking and what it is that you're doing. So start with what is true, and then look at it through the lens of the fruit of the Spirit.

There's two steps that can really help. But as someone said to me this morning, Bruce, you're just being logical, and there's such an emotional content to all of this that it's not simple and it's not easy.

Jim Brangenberg: Because I don't mean to be argumentative with you, but we've been friends for a lot of years already, and I'm thinking, okay, it's easy for you to say those things, but if you're the one being grumpy, if Brent or Bethany come up and say, Dad, don't be grumpy, are you going to respond in love and say, thank you for loving me and telling me that I'm being grumpy; I need to work on that?

How do you, how does a kid bring up to their parents who are normally not grumpy, but now they're grumpy, how does a kid broach that conversation? People listening to the show today, many of them may be my age in their fifties or sixties taking care of parents in their eighties and nineties, and they don't know how to bring it up because they don't want to have an argument.

Bruce Bruinsma: Yeah, it is difficult, but that looking at it through the lens. So you've got the problem. How do you address it? That was essentially your question. And if we start with say, how do I address this question with love? Not with my own frustration or my own irritation or my own observation that, whoever it is I'm talking to, you're just being a jerk or being grumpy, but how do I do it with love?

And then how can I do that with joy? How can I do it to bring peace? All those, and it's not easy, but God said that the power of the Holy Spirit is available to us. And even though, even as I say it, I know, man, that is really hard. But I believe that God is there with me and will give me the value to do that.

Matter of fact, I just went through that process earlier this morning, and when I evaluate, how did I do, my answer to myself is I did about 60 percent.

Jim Brangenberg: That's an F.

Bruce Bruinsma: Yeah, that would not be, that wouldn't be a passing grade, but it's better than zero and a step in the direction.

Jim Brangenberg: We need to pick up this conversation in the upcoming podcast, but I want to draw attention to your book that's coming up, Living the Fruitful Life. Are people going to be able to get a copy of that on Amazon?

Bruce Bruinsma: They will. It's on the website. It'll be on Amazon. It'd be in all the different places that you can buy books. And again, the reason for writing it was in response to the issues that we're talking about here. And so to be able to understand the role of the Holy Spirit. To understand how to listen to the Holy Spirit, and then to take each one of those fruit, that fruit of the Spirit, and be able to see how do I apply that in my life and to know that it is available to me. And so I have a choice of how I respond to it and how I have engaged with it, how I absorb it and how I apply it.

Jim Brangenberg: Very good. Living the Fruitful Life, it'll help you not be grumpy. Bruce, great conversation today. You've been listening to iRetire4Him, the voice and resource of the online at retirementreformation. org. Bruce Bruinsma has been here today sharing from his heart about why are we grumpy and how can we not be grumpy? But all along we're Christ followers journeying from retirement to Reformation so we can ultimately say, iRetire4Him.